Relationships are meant to be supportive, fulfilling, and nurturing. But sometimes, what may seem like care and attention on the surface can disguise controlling or manipulative behaviour. If you suspect a friend might be in a controlling relationship, it's important to approach this situation carefully and with empathy. While it can be hard to identify control tactics, understanding the red flags can help you recognise if your concerns are valid.
They distance themselves from friends and family
A common early sign of a controlling relationship is isolation. Controllers often seek to cut off their partners from their support networks under the guise of protecting or loving them. Your friend may cancel plans frequently, avoid gatherings without offering much explanation, or keep interactions brief. While it’s normal for new couples to spend more time together, complete withdrawal from established friendships and family is concerning.
Pay attention to any patterns of avoidance. Are they hesitant to meet you? Do they appear uneasy when approached about it? Isolation often causes people to feel trapped, so spot the signs early and remind them they are always welcome in your life.
They seem anxious or worried about their partner
Everyone deserves a relationship built on trust and respect. However, controlling partners often create an environment of fear or anxiety. Your friend may appear overly cautious about what they say, double-check plans with their partner, or express worry about "making them angry". They might even mention that their partner disapproves of their choices, habits, or interactions.
Notice if this anxiety feels disproportionate or unnatural. No one should have to tiptoe around their partner. While your friend might downplay their discomfort, it’s essential to validate their feelings if they confide in you.
You notice they’re losing confidence
Control often attacks self-esteem. If your once-bold, self-assured friend seems hesitant, unsure, or overly apologetic, it can be a worrying indicator of a controlling relationship. Controlling partners may use subtle criticisms, putdowns, or comparisons to undermine their partner's confidence over time.
For example, your friend may say things like, "Maybe they’re right – I’m not good at this" or "They don’t think I’m capable, so they handle it for me." Listen carefully to the language they’re using. Gently encourage their strengths and remind them of their value outside the relationship.
There’s an increased dependence on their partner
Controlling partners strive to make themselves indispensable to their partner’s life—emotionally, financially, or logistically. Your friend may now defer all decisions to their partner or avoid acting without seeking their "approval". They may also have less control over their finances or rely heavily on their partner for everyday needs.
While some level of dependence is natural in any relationship, complete submission is a warning sign. Controllers create dependence by disempowering their partner, which protects the cycle of control. Check in on how your friend feels about their own independence and gently offer them support where possible.
They downplay or defend concerning behaviour
If challenged, friends in controlling relationships may excuse their partner’s manipulative or controlling tendencies. They might say things like, "They just care a lot," or "They don’t mean it—they’re just stressed right now."
This defence mechanism is often due to fear or confusion about their partner’s behaviour. Victims of control may find it hard to recognise the abuse they’re enduring. If your friend starts justifying actions that don’t sit right with you, take note. Gently ask open-ended questions like, "Does that feel fair to you?" or "Do you feel supported when they do that?" without being too pushy.
How to offer support without judgement
Approaching someone you suspect is in a controlling relationship requires care and understanding. Confronting the situation directly can often cause your friend to withdraw, especially if they feel attacked or vulnerable. Instead, focus on being a supportive listener. Encourage open conversations by creating a safe space free from judgement or blame.
Remind them that help is available. Whether it’s a helpline, counselling service, or just a listening ear, they don’t have to face it alone. Avoid pushing them to act immediately—it’s important they feel ready and supported before making decisions about their relationship.
Spotting the signs of a controlling relationship can be challenging, even more so when it involves someone you care about. If your gut tells you something feels off, trust yourself. Pay attention to the subtle shifts in their behaviour, attitude, or freedom. Most importantly, approach them with compassion and a desire to help without overstepping.
Relationships are complex, but with the right support, your friend can find their way back to safety and empowerment. Sometimes, knowing they have a lifeline in you can make all the difference.
